Here is what I declare

                I am typing this post tonight feeling more exhausted than I have felt in a very long time. There are so many factors playing into this exhaustion. I told you this blog would be real. I am on a diet, so I can’t sugar coat things for you. Even when you are in the center of God’s will, there is still a battle being waged. There is an army rising up against you, attacking you in the moments when you are most vulnerable. This enemy waits, he schemes and he plans. He knows exactly when to strike. It is not rainbows and butterflies here. It is a war. I am fighting this constant battle. I am experiencing emotions that I rarely feel. I feel angry. I feel insecure. I feel confused. I feel helpless. I feel beaten down. I feel unqualified.

                I wake up every morning and I speak truth over myself. I surrender my day to the Lord, I lay my plans at His feet. I ask Him to remove the ugliness in my life, and to take away the negative emotions I feel. I speak protection over my body, over my physical health. I speak light into the dark areas. I pray over my classroom. I pray over my students. Last, I declare that I am a child of God, chosen to serve Him.

                And I do this, and every day this week, I have come home feeling beat down and defeated. And every day I tell myself, I can’t do this. I call my parents and I cry and I struggle for words to describe my emotions. And I cry out and I ask God where He is. “I am here Lord! I am living in your will. This is what you wanted, I have given up so much to be here, please, can you meet me halfway! I need you.” And every night the Lord gives me a little something to remind me that He is still in control.

                And the enemy works his plans again. He is crafty. And he throws me curve balls every day. I am still learning to fight, and I am defeated easily. And it is ugly. And it feels like I am a failure. And I tell myself that I can’t keep going. I take my eyes off Jesus for a split second. And when I look up, when I lift up my head, He is standing above me, holding out His hands. With His sword drawn, reminding me that He still has this, reminding me that I am not fighting alone.

                So here I am tonight, after a long battle today, writing in the best way that I know how. I realize that it is okay to cry. It is okay to have meltdowns and wonder what I am doing here. That is all okay. It is okay to feel emotions that I don’t want or that I don’t understand. But it isn’t okay that I forget that Jesus is still King. He is still on His thrown, He is still calling the shots in my life. It isn’t okay to forget that.

“For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the… powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms” Eph. 6:12. I am not struggling against Honduras. I am not angry at the culture, I am not overwhelmed by sickness. I am fighting this battle against the enemy. And though there is a struggle now, I know how it will end. I know that through Christ. I will be victorious. I will be triumphant. I will look back on this year and I will see that God took a tiny, frightened, exhausted girl and turned her into a warrior. And that is my prayer. My prayer is that I would become a warrior. That I would fight for justice. That I would fight for God’s glory to be seen. And I pray that I will fight against the powers of this dark world and I will be triumphant because God has made me a warrior.

                So tomorrow I am picking up my sword. And I am riding into battle again, remembering that I am a conqueror and I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  

                For those of you who are praying for me, here is what you can pray for: hair growth (and yes I am serious. I have lost so much hair since I have been here. It is super discouraging for me), my students (I have a very difficult class and when there is a language barrier in a preschool class, it is even more difficult), SLEEP (and not just sleep, but peaceful, life giving sleep. I am not sleeping well), my well-being (I just need strong emotional and physical health), continued healing in my knees (mostly my alignment and arthritis. The constant, terrible pain is gone, and I am so blessed by that, but there is a lot of healing that needs to take place in my legs. And also my heart), a break from the heat (my AC is broken and with the heat index, it has been around 109 here. It’s really difficult for a girl from Indiana to cope with).
 

                God is good, all the time. There is a plan and purpose for my struggles. This is where God wants me, I just need to be down for whatever He is doing right now.